Note: This is really long. If you the have time, I appreciate it. Otherwise, you may look at other posts.I’m not sure this is right to even start. So I’ll start as basic as I can. I’m a 23( roughly 24 time old-fashioned) male. I living a life in my mothers. I do not work, or drive. And am a major introvert. I’ve been recently diagnosed with severe and social anxiety which I trust contributes to why I am so cutoff from the world countries besides my charity for music and technology. I am slightly overweight( about 243 ish lbs ). And have gone up and down the “trying to diet” ripples. I replaced formerly, but fell after getting into a long relationship that would eventually lead me to start having more off and on suicidal thoughts.
A lot of this I picture branches from my past two relations. My first one, was a little girl who heavily leaned on me for assistance because her momma was abusive, and her daddy was in prison. She used sound into negativity in a second. Yell or get angry at me for things when I tried to be a sweetheart, and well. Started telling me about her new lover and the kind of “sexual” stuff they’d do together.
Let me back up a bit..
My anxiety I review roots back much farther than I guessed. In require to please my negative girlfriend, and making my major naive back get the best of me. Because I was always the “do anything to represent your madam happy” type. Just require the most wonderful for beings. My stupidity and vulnerability at the time had me tell her that if she wanted to sleep with another chap she could.
She seemed excited by this.
And well, without boring anyone. She basically found another guy that they are able to draw her so happy, and while we were still together. She’d “ve been told” all about how happy he made her. Making me sad and her feeling bad, which would make me feel bad for concluding her was all right .. An endless round. Extremely over something that most people would go “WTF” at and probably would’ve broken up with this girl faster than I ever did.
After 1 year, and 8 months. I decided to tell her “Maybe we should break up” and her response was “Whatever you wanna do, dude”.
There’s much more to the story. But let’s leave that at that. That affair was from Aug 2014 – Apr 2016.
During my upright breakup( crying, sadnes, standard substance ). I decided to finally work on myself. I had my wonderful friends facilitate me with the intense workout, Insanity. I extended from 260 lbs to 215 in quite a few months. Felt confident and good. I had started working at a sit announced Microchip. Was still living with my parents, so I was buying all kinds of stuff I didn’t need. Enjoying life for the most part.
I met another girl on a dating app. She was the most special, and incredible thing to happen to me. We clicked so well. Were goofy together .. And ya know what guys. I’m gonna be honest. I don’t feel like typing a lot of this part out. It hurts. Because in the end. These relations( forgivenes my french ). Actually. Fucked me up. It departed from sunshines and rainbows to, feeling harassed and like I’m the worst person ever. I’ll try to keep it basic. My anxiety and feeling got the best of me. I moved out to be with her. And the anxieties of adult life and trying to support us caved in. I announced out of work a lot. Became more sleepy. Gained my heavines back. Etc. We started to fight more. She would condemn things on me, and I never blamed anything on her. Again. My anxiety and push over personality let me let her gait on me when things were bad. Making me this gentle, feeble person.
That relationship ended in April of 2020. I have just recently, and officially. Cut ties from her. For good.
Again. There is WAY MORE to this story. But I don’t feel like posting a book.
Now. I am back where I started. I am currently sitting at home. Living with my mothers. In the dark right now. Wondering where it all went wrong. I have been more furious. I ought to have disturbed, depressed, and thinking about suicide. But let me clarify, I highly mistrust I will be going the suicide route. Principally because I’m too scared of the other side. I’m a house worshiper in Jesus. But my feeling still kicks in and says, “ya never know what is there”. Plus I’ve heard that you don’t make it into heaven that channel. But let’s not get into religion..
I’m at a loss. I’m currently also in therapy which is going well. I have a psychiatry appointment next week, to try and actually pinpoint all of what I’m dealing with. Otherwise, I feel lonely.
I feel I will never find love again.
I have cut off many friends. I don’t even feel comfortable talking with them anymore.
I feel like such a inconvenience to civilization and people, that I wonder why God even introduced me here in the first place.
I have turned more negative.
I’m losing hope.
I feel I will never become skinny. I have tried too many times.
I’m worried, and I’m hurt. I exactly don’t know anymore.
I have designs of hurting others, besides myself. Due to my pent up rage and feeling flouted and betrayed.
I feel as though there is no point..
Let me framed it this acces to resolve this. I feel as though I’m one of those little pegs in The Game of Life. That one day, was knocked off the board and reeled under some cranny. To never be found again. To sit there. Decaying, and rotting away.
If anyone has questions to what I announced( I’m sure you will ). I will do my best to answer them. Otherwise if you constructed it this far. Thanks for say. And I hope you’re doing better than I am.
P.S. Fair warning, I’m not against any sympathy or anything. But I want to get also computed, stuff like that doesn’t certainly work on me as well anymore. Empathy might , not sure. But otherwise, it feels over used to me since I used to have people say “uplifting” stuff like that all the time to me.
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