first of all idk how following workson reddit. for anyone that followed me for art i am so sorry if reddit situated this on your home page.
anyways, each year around my birthday and the holidays my attitude is just at an absolute low-pitched pitch. this year has been worse than the previous ones cause my humor has been at a steady rapid downslope all time.
my birthday is a reminder of my senility and the time to compare myself to others my senility. i turned 23 yesterday and i have nothing to show for it. i was a good student even with my undiagnosed untreated adhd, until i was forced to drop out because after a failing to take my life i became homeless and couldnt attend school while i was stuck in the mental hospital( where i got abused by medical staff and discharged early even tho my doctors boss said on the same day that i shouldnt under any circumstances) since then ive done nothing so scratch having any career if even a errand at this detail because theres good-for-nothing i can say when they ask me why theres a 7+ time divergence since my first graduation. ive never had a real date or bf, ive online length dated but every single relationship i was in was mentally abusive and i means that like severely. not oh there was some drama, i signify my bf would call me and tell me im not allowed to see my friends and then ask me to do matured things on skype for him instead or he’ll give “peoples lives” all while degrading me.
my living situation is horrible. im luck to have a roof over my pate, yes, but im sharing it with carpet beetles and various forms of moths. i have to carefully check everything i use or eat before using it. im scared of bugs and theyre actively destroying the stuff i own. my landlords goal is to set me in debt. i have a mold problem that i found out from neighbours has been a problem times before i moved in. my recession nest isnt facilitating but being unmedicated with adhd were alone with no assistance i just dont even know how to start. most of my things are still in their moving boxes from when i moved in.
i have basically no friends. i have a long distance friend but its not the same. i reconnected with old irl friends but all of them lost interest in me quickly and wouldnt reply to me anymore let alone spend time with me. i tried asking for help just for the social workers assigned to me proving over and over that they dont give a shit. for the sake of keeping this as short as possible cause its already so damn long and this isnt even half of it, basically they dont listen, gaslight me, dont assistant when i ask for it and are transphobic towards me.
which delivers me to my next spot. im ugly. plain and simple. im fattened in the literal gumption. i have to come online to be met with observation announcing people like animals undeserving of the right to live and other cruel motherfucker, even when i actively avoid any weight ad food topics. im sure if anyone even bothered say this far they thoughts the same way or at the very least are defeated by me now. im not trying to excuse to my examinations cause theres no object but no its not cause i eat 50 k calories a era i actually struggle with eating anything at all. my mommy has been putting me on strict nutritions ever since i can remember often allowing only one small-minded meals per day while degrading me while i deplete it. ofc i struggle with devouring any food now im defeated by it. my low-spirited soul favor sees works out hard-boiled even though ive ever enjoy it. knowing how people think when they see me walking outside doesnt exactly give me the courage to go work out. im likewise trans. and due to being an immigrant with violently anti lgbt house i can’t safely transition. im stuck here feeling suicidal over my dysphoria not being able to do anything. and even if i was able to transition, i would be uglier than i am. i would look like the textbook work definition of 4chan virgin. im already releasing whisker due to pcos. i already still struggle with acne thanks to my moms horrid genes. my paunch is gonna get redistributed to do me glance all the more serious than now. i cant take it.
and thats not even all of the current shit. i have so much to struggle with daily but theres even more i have yet to even process from the years before that. diddly-shit like growing up mistreated. my mummy would beat me up she would threaten my life daily she would tell me day in day out how much she detests me and bids i was never born that im not worthy of being alive that im repulsive and a reproach to this family. the roll gone on. she would actively promote me to be involved in pedophiles my father made pictures of me .. my brother contributed to it all same with the rest of their own families. i knew severe xenophobia and bullying in school from both students and teaches. i have so much pain i dont feel one period is enough to process even a small chunk of it so why bother trying.
i asked my therapist that and she said indeed why bother is everything. what do you live for and idk. theres good-for-nothing. i cant find a reason to live. im closer to being homeless again and in debt than i am to catching a violate let alone being joyou. “peoples lives” has been a constant sob story and every year around the holidays i self sooth saying that oh it cant all be bad right. it cant all be so horrible every year right im sure this year will be different but it never is. not a single year or even week has been very successful in my life. it always gets worse my existence is under constant threat one way or another and im just so tired.
ive tried my best my part life. i was always kind and nice to the people around me even the ones who hurt me. i forgave and forgave my family over and over again until i couldnt. i donated to kindnes i tried to fight for other families privileges ive defended beings i was always there for friends even when they werent for me. i worked hard for school i worked hard for my inspects “ive tried” not release hope. i asked for help over and over again i did therapy i made drug and only nothing. nothing i did mattered. every year things came worse and on top of it all im getting older. i cant find a reason to live anymore and i cant find it in me to have any hope left. every year im proven that there is no good for me in this life and im so sick of it. im tired of lying to myself so i can stop crying when the glaring reality is that theres nothing left for me to do and that continuing to live is allowing bad things to continue to happen.
im exclusively fortunate when i manage to distract myself with tournaments and other media. but even then the second i have to snap out of it and make my encloses in i want to die. this is no way of living .. nor is it sustainable. so whats the station. i feel like theres a clock above my leader just ticking away until i lastly take the only logical and final step.
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