TL ;D R I’m physical unable to do tasks that I need to do to work and make money and live due to poor mental help induce me to loss 30 lb and Kaiser won’t help me no matter who I call and I can’t find different purposes in my like or destinations that I want. And I don’t wanna live every day simply headed towards nothing and feeling exhaust and in pain and not happy
So I have Kaiser and I’m trying to go through therapy and psychiatry through them which has been an absolute ordeal. My first therapist was enabling my co-dependent’s matters( I’m at top in my mental health where I can kinda identify what my actions are and if the issue is healthful or not) and asked for a brand-new therapist which they won’t let me see until December and they won’t let me go to out of network therapists cause I need week to week assistance rn. Regardless my therapist fucking crazy my meds. Randomly stopped them without telling me reaching go into a withdrawal that ended in a nighttime in the ER
I’ve lost sooo much weight , not like the “oh I’m so skinny and cute” but the “you can see my ribs if I’m shirtless” and me and my friends discover brand-new bones in the shoulder because my muscles are just gone
I work 6 periods a few weeks at a eatery representing between 30 -4 0 hours per week, getting them tips too. But sense all this weight loss plus trazdone, I now have hand trembles and I can’t do half the stuff I’m required to do.
I get exhausted so much and I just want to be in my bed by myself. My boyfriend toils nights now so I scarcely realise him and I’ve been in my principal a great deal lately and I don’t even know what I’m living for or what my aim is? In 3 month I ran from 150 lb gals to a 117 lb gal without trying to lose weight or diet or employ. I really forgot mysef and tried to reach out to Kaiser but they won’t assistance and my sweetheart is always at work and my friends that I talk to are all in therapy as well and we’re all wreaking though substance rn
I’m just so weak I can’t do basic stuff like exploit a asses beaker. Or generating a table coffee. Or carry food or soups. And trays are so heavy for me.( This is all restaurant stuff so if doesn’t make sense then it’s okay)
And then I come home and try to do my categorizes but I feel overwhelmed and so confused and I didn’t go for a week and now i just feel like a disappointment and I don’t know what to do
I can’t even tread up stairs stairs without trouble and my mas is always in pain due to working with a harmful form. I’m trying. I booze 3 ascertains a epoch and try to eat some grassland chicken and broccoli but I only shed it up.
And when I’m all alone and I’m like “what do i want to do” And I can’t think of anything. Like my mentality is just shutting down. It doesn’t help that my gradation mommy who abused me as small children( I “ve never” encountered her about it) contacted out to me and was the only person you actually gave me good advice and offered so call and get the tests and the aid I need.
Cause I’m so conflicted because when I was a child it was terrible, the abuse, the hurt, that gaslighting, mostly brought about by narcissists substance. And I check in my with little brother and we are close and I tell him if she does anything like that to him I will help you but he affirms it’s all regular now. So I’m confused if I should try and make a new adult affinity one where I have power to defend myself? Because I’ve been precisely is being done no contact for her and she must have found out about the ER thing through my dad
My mom is just absolutely miss understanding if. She’s trying to make me co dependent on Jon and how my boyfriend should take care of me even tho these are issues I want to grow past so I can be a person. And every time I talk to her or modernize her she’s like “just pretend til you feel better” bs like that
My boyfriend has chemistry severity Specializing in therapist and how the remedies work in the Brian so when I go to him for things he’s like “oh stop taking this make that ete” like I know he’s trying to help and I’m not mad at him. Im mad that I understand what’s wrong with me but I can’t seem to fix it
My boyfriend started working nights and I work days so or time together has gone down and the adjustment was alittle rough but I like our number now
The trouble is, when I’m alone I don’t wanna is everything. I don’t wanna mindless scroll on Twitter, I don’t wanna go on a saunter. I don’t wanna watch tv/ Netflix. I have no goals I simply labour and experience and then help my boyfriend get ready to work at night
I can’t think of reasons of the reasons why I should be alive and why can’t I cook myself. I want to go to therapy and I announce Kaiser everyday asking for out of office referrals or closer sessions( cause they are next three weeks apart) because that’s what I need. I want CBT( cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBP( Dialectical behavioral therapy) which I’ve researched both time are you all right with parties with ADHD and PTSD. But Kaiser holds saying we only do weekly fulfilling if a patient is in more need( aka suicidal) but I don’t understand how my form falling apart and I’m skin and bones and I don’t eat or sleep and faint because of my mental health issues does counting as a priority
I feel so empty like there’s nothing there. No identity or craves or anything. I merely use and sleep. And the time I do spend with my boyfriend I act to weird even tho we’ve been together about a year and live their lives.
What’s the point to all this if I’m: ever in pain, I’m wasting away, have not yet been craves or things I wanna do one day or something or a purpose I’m trying to reach. I just don’t get it , nobody truly gets it, I labour 40 hours a week on fucking snack replacement cups motive I can’t eat and my manager always hurts and I feel so indifferent to everything. I couldn’t care either was in most situationsss.
I’m precisely … I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t feel I would make it to 18 and now that I’m 20 I “ve got nothing”. My aims when I was young was to move away as fast as possible from my abusive family and to be free” I’m free now and I feel just as bad. And I’m calling Kaiser all the time saying i need to help it’s affecting my life acutely and they don’t seem to care
I just don’t have anything other to say than that. And I’m so tired and lost and feel like parties don’t understand how much ache im in physically and mentally and I’m just muddled and the my health care refuses to take care of my health
Idk sorry this was a mess I only needed to get it all out there so that it’s not plummeting around in my brain or something
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